got a good joke to share---post it here!
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 9:58:06 AM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3121
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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Definately... Keep those hundreds of joke posts from recurring.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive....On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to he door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".....
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and is met by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
(scroll down)
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
This one may be pushing the boundary.....
A calvery sargent was captured by the indians. The chief said, " I'll give you one last request before we burn you at the stake." The sargent said, " I'd like to speak to my horse". His wish granted, he whispered in the horses ear and the horse ran off. About and hour later, the horse showed up with a red headed saloon girl on his back. The sargent said, "I need to talk to my horse again". He again whipered in the horses ear. The horse ran off again. In about an hour he showed back up with a blonde saloon girl. The sargent said I need to talk to my horse again. He again whipered in the horses ear, and the horse ran off once more. In about an hour the horse showed back up, this time with a brunette saloon gir on his back. The sargent asked the chief if he could speek with his horse one more time. the chief said O.K. The sargent pulled the horses face down in front of him and said.
"Read my lips, get me a P...O...S...S...E...Y!!!"
< Message edited by EuroGoldLS -- 2/28/2008 10:03:29 AM >
_____________________________
My theory is that every disrict in the USA tries to send their lying scumbags to either prison or Washington D.C. -rivereye
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 10:02:49 AM
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Zasder
Posts: 552
Joined: 2/13/2007
From: My computer?
Status: offline
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-- Indian Winter --
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
_____________________________
2000 Blazer
4x4 2dr
\Almost blacked out
"The greatest sadness is realizing you finally fallen for someone who used to love you."
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 10:03:14 AM
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BobTheBlazer
Posts: 892
Joined: 2/15/2007
From: Crossville, TN
Status: offline
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Those are great jokes, Brent...made me laugh!
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"Bob The Blazer" - Being parted out...WAAAHH!
"Shebby" - ''90 Dodge Daytona Shelby, the love of my life!
"Superman" - Blue and red ''90 Toyota pickup
''88 Mazda RX-7 - gonna kick ass soon!
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 10:07:51 AM
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swartlkk
Posts: 14530
Joined: 5/1/2005
From: Waterloo, NY
Status: online
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This one got me too! Don't know if its new or old, but it was new to me and yeah, this kinda pushes the line a bit...
quote:
On the day of the wedding, Laura was getting dressed surrounded by all Her family when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic! Then Her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from Her wedding, so she lent them to Laura for the day.
Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Laura's feet were agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting Her shoes off.
The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."
This was followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God, that was even tighter"
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
Hope no one was listening at the door on our wedding night! LMAO... That's kind of creepy...
< Message edited by swartlkk -- 2/28/2008 10:13:35 AM >
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Kyle-
04 Rainier
My Restoration Projects
Please Do Not PM for Tech Help
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 10:18:42 AM
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Zasder
Posts: 552
Joined: 2/13/2007
From: My computer?
Status: offline
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began with unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities such as: Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 and Golf 7.5
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please HELP!!
Thanks,
A Troubled User
---------- REPLY ----------
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very, very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I also suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! It comes with several support programs, such as: Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs; improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend: Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and especially Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
_____________________________
2000 Blazer
4x4 2dr
\Almost blacked out
"The greatest sadness is realizing you finally fallen for someone who used to love you."
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 10:53:34 AM
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WolfPack
Posts: 2844
Joined: 10/30/2007
From: Raleigh, NC
Status: offline
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Hahahhhhhha..
I lol'd at all of those! I like the wedding night and the wife 1.0 the best 
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2000 Blazer 4d LS 4x4 - 265/70/15 General Grabber AT2s - Hunter Brush Guard - Surco Roof Rack with IPF 868s - 1.5'' Shackle + Tbar - 2'' BL
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 10:59:32 AM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3121
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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LMAO!!!!  That is funny!!!!
Got a couple of Q&A jokes you may have heard some of them. Some of them are silly.
Q:How do you get a one armed Blonde out of a tree?
A:You wave at her!
Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stamping out small grass fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks!!!
What do you call a 300 lb. Hawaiian?
Anorexic!!!
Heres a good oldie. Granny still tells this one.
A boy is setting on the curb in front of a church shakeing a small bottle of Pinee watching it fizz.
A priest walks up and says "what do you have there son?
the boy answers "father this is the most powerfullest liquid in the world"
To this the preist replyed, "Is it holy water? For holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. If you place a drop of holy water on an expectant mothers belly she will pass a child.
The boy grins up at the preist. "Father, thats nothin' this is Pinee, if you put a drop of this on a cats a$$ he'll pass a motorcycle"
_____________________________
My theory is that every disrict in the USA tries to send their lying scumbags to either prison or Washington D.C. -rivereye
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 12:09:01 PM
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davtak
Site Moderator
Posts: 1462
Joined: 5/1/2006
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Who did they find in Jeffery Dahmer's freezer?
Ben & Jerry
What did they find in his bathtub?
Head & Shoulders
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog
Why does Michael Jackson like K-Mart so much?
Cause little boys pants are always half off
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http://www.cardomain.com/ride/2373050
http://www.myspace.com/davtak
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 1:34:32 PM
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a_tack
Suspension Tech Moderator
Posts: 1287
Joined: 4/5/2006
From: Ashland, Kentucky
Status: offline
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How does hitler tie his shoes?
In little NAZIS!!
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-Aaron
"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath." -James 1:19
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 1:39:21 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3121
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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 HAHAHAHA!!!!
HOW DO YOU KEEP A MORON IN SUSPENSE?!?! (scroll down)
.
< Message edited by EuroGoldLS -- 2/28/2008 1:45:07 PM >
_____________________________
My theory is that every disrict in the USA tries to send their lying scumbags to either prison or Washington D.C. -rivereye
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 2:13:38 PM
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CodyT
Posts: 20
Joined: 2/4/2008
Status: offline
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Ok here's my contribution.
Q: What's a priest's favorite type of meat?
A: Nun
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They tell you that America is a melting pot, but what they don't tell you is that what's you're blended enough you get poured into a mold to match everyone else.
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 5:11:42 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3121
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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Everyone has a preist joke, LOL
_____________________________
My theory is that every disrict in the USA tries to send their lying scumbags to either prison or Washington D.C. -rivereye
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 5:25:27 PM
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Zasder
Posts: 552
Joined: 2/13/2007
From: My computer?
Status: offline
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How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.
Have a great day! And, 'woo woo'!!!
_____________________________
2000 Blazer
4x4 2dr
\Almost blacked out
"The greatest sadness is realizing you finally fallen for someone who used to love you."
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 5:31:13 PM
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blznlowxtreme
Posts: 1450
Joined: 3/20/2007
From: tennessee
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Zasder
Have a great day! And, 'woo woo'!!!
i hope you were not shaking your wiener when you said that, watching your chicken dance is bad enough, we dont need you shaking it at us too
_____________________________
2001 blazer xtreme
true bass 8's massive p1500.1 amp
20's wrapped in 245/35r20
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 5:34:54 PM
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Zasder
Posts: 552
Joined: 2/13/2007
From: My computer?
Status: offline
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WOOOOOO WOOOOO
_____________________________
2000 Blazer
4x4 2dr
\Almost blacked out
"The greatest sadness is realizing you finally fallen for someone who used to love you."
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 5:55:06 PM
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CodyT
Posts: 20
Joined: 2/4/2008
Status: offline
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I got plenty more I could add, but then I might be banned. >.>
_____________________________
They tell you that America is a melting pot, but what they don't tell you is that what's you're blended enough you get poured into a mold to match everyone else.
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 6:24:34 PM
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rdhack
Posts: 62
Joined: 1/31/2008
Status: offline
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One boob said to the other:
"If we don't get some support around here we're going to go NUTS!!!
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1982 GMC HighSierra Frame 4x4 with 1986 Chevy Silverado Body Restoration Project (Bermadine)
1995 Chevy 3/4Ton 2500 4x4 (Clifford)
1991 Chevy T-10 Blazer (Blaze)
1998 Oldsmobile Bravada (Bravo)
1994 Long Farmtrac 2460 (Betsy)
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 2/28/2008 9:12:54 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3121
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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Wahhhahahahahahah!!!!
Got a couple of good camel jokes:
While in Egypt, I came upon the opportunity to go for a week long camel ride. The guy at the "Rent a Camel" place told me not to forget to "Brick" the camel every 3 days.
"What do you mean, "Brick" the camel?", I asked. He says, "when the camel is getting a drink of water, you smash his balls between two bricks, this causes him to inhale the water very deeply and thus fills both humps." "Well, doesn't this hurt?", I replied. He said, "no, not as long as you keep your fingers out from between the bricks."
Three big burly stupid Sudanese guys rode into Cairo one day on a single camel and were giving the people of the city a hard time. As they rode out of town, word spread to the nearest village that the three men were coming. As they rode into the neighboring village, an old guy walked outside and shouted for everyone to hear "Look theres the one camel with three a$$holes!!!". The three guys, not being very bright, jumped off the camel and promptly lifted the camel's tail an looked all over the camel's backside.
"I only see one...."
Heres a couple of jokes concerning monkeys in a bar:
A guy walks into a bar after a hard day at work. He orders a beer and listens to the saloon pianist playing a familiar tune. Suddenly, out of nowhere a monkey jumps off the piano, onto the bar. The patron isn't concerned with the monkey right away. He turns to stare at a pretty woman in the opposite corner. As soon as he turns back, he finds himself face-to-face with the monkey, who is standing over his mug of beer teabaggin it. The patron shoes the monkey away, the monkey returns to his seat upon the piano. The pissed-off patron promptly walks ove to the pianist and says "SIR! DO YOU KNOW YOUR MONKEY JUST DROPPED HIS GENITALS IN MY BEER?!?!?" To which the pianist replied, "No, but if you hum a few bars of it, I may can play it."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
_____________________________
My theory is that every disrict in the USA tries to send their lying scumbags to either prison or Washington D.C. -rivereye
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