RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/13/2008 1:18:44 AM
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Chevy Lover
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A guy is walking home late one night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars" she whispers...
He had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a suddon a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife" the man replies sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."
"well neither did I, Til you shined the light in her face!" exclaimed the man.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish, and he will sit on a boat drinking beer for a life time
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/13/2008 6:15:40 AM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3121
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From: Princeton, NC, USA
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A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid **** and act like an asshole. So, He sent me.
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My theory is that every disrict in the USA tries to send their lying scumbags to either prison or Washington D.C. -rivereye
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/13/2008 1:11:49 PM
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davtak
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A woman was having an affair on her husband when she heard a car pull up in the driveway.
"My husbands home! Quick, HIDE!!!"
The man scurried around the bedroom for somewhere to hide. The closet was too small and he couldn't hide in the bathroom because the husband might need to use it. So, in a last minute desperation, the wife covered him in powder and stood him in the corner of the room. Exhausted, the husband came home, threw his shoes off, and layed down in bed to take a nap. He got up in the middle of the night to get a bite to eat. He made his way down to the kitchen, found some food, and went back to the bedroom where the man was still standing in the corner covered in powder. The husband walked into the bedroom and put a sandwich in the mans hands and said "I was standing like that over at the Millers the other night and you think the a**hole would give me something to eat".
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/13/2008 7:40:08 PM
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woodsballr
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Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers !
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one ... are you?
Ohno-Second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
< Message edited by woodsballr -- 3/13/2008 7:46:05 PM >
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/14/2008 7:24:58 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3121
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
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Pullin out the stops on the little johnny jokes
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
_____________________________
My theory is that every disrict in the USA tries to send their lying scumbags to either prison or Washington D.C. -rivereye
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/14/2008 7:41:14 PM
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swartlkk
Posts: 14530
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From: Waterloo, NY
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I've heard all of those before, but it doesn't mean I didn't laugh at each of them again. The last one is priceless!!
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/14/2008 7:50:33 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3121
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
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I love the little Johnny jokes. It just that a select few are clean enough to post!!!
_____________________________
My theory is that every disrict in the USA tries to send their lying scumbags to either prison or Washington D.C. -rivereye
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/19/2008 5:09:13 PM
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Waterwheel
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One other forum I know has a "Pics that make you lol" thread
I havn't found one here, but I think it's a good idea
just post stupid/funny(little distinction) pictures
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/19/2008 5:25:45 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3121
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
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I think you should be able to post pics in this thread as well... if they are funny.
I got this on in an e-mail my aunt sent me:
And
I have another joke.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from
the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in
all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened
for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets
worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against
the wall and wailing. "We missed the R ! We missed theR ! We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The
young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
"CELEBRATE !!!
And another joke:
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new
country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands
up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard,
r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased
with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run
will ya!"
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a
walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A
friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to
run, he got four balls."
The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with
pr-r-ride!"
_____________________________
My theory is that every disrict in the USA tries to send their lying scumbags to either prison or Washington D.C. -rivereye
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/22/2008 8:20:38 PM
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davtak
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Posts: 1462
Joined: 5/1/2006
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TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after
nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'.
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart,' 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No,' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! I n Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
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http://www.cardomain.com/ride/2373050
http://www.myspace.com/davtak
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/23/2008 8:18:35 AM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3121
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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I get too many e-mails....
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.
One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
"So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
_____________________________
My theory is that every disrict in the USA tries to send their lying scumbags to either prison or Washington D.C. -rivereye
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/23/2008 4:37:55 PM
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swartlkk
Posts: 14530
Joined: 5/1/2005
From: Waterloo, NY
Status: online
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I lol'd at the last two posts!! Good ones!
< Message edited by swartlkk -- 3/23/2008 4:43:43 PM >
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Kyle-
04 Rainier
My Restoration Projects
Please Do Not PM for Tech Help
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