RE: got a good joke to share---post it here!
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/26/2008 8:26:31 PM
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blaze93
Posts: 7
Joined: 3/26/2008
Status: offline
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Question of the day! If you have sex with a hooker against her will, is it considered rap or shoplifting? 
< Message edited by blaze93 -- 3/28/2008 7:23:19 PM >
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/26/2008 8:44:00 PM
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blaze93
Posts: 7
Joined: 3/26/2008
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Got another, How can you tell if your to drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and you realize later it was your air freshner! 
< Message edited by blaze93 -- 3/28/2008 7:24:06 PM >
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/26/2008 8:57:32 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3091
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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I rolled at this one:
Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd
just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is
broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a
limp.
"What happend to you? asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.
"That little sh*t, O Conner " says Sean "He couldnt do that to you,
he must of had something in his hand."
"That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken
he gave me with it"
"Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didnt you
have something in your hand?"
''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
< Message edited by EuroGoldLS -- 3/28/2008 7:22:09 PM >
_____________________________
"Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience." -Rabbit0102030
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/27/2008 7:49:02 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3091
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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OMG!!! LMAO!!!!
My contribution for today:
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor? The old man replied, Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
_____________________________
"Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience." -Rabbit0102030
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/29/2008 8:35:34 PM
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WolfPack
Posts: 2460
Joined: 10/30/2007
From: Raleigh, NC
Status: offline
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Got a funny story from my long shift at the Circuit City today:
I was straightening up the PCs section and keeping an eye on the customers like a good employee..and I noticed this redneck cowboy looking guy talking to another cowboy looking guy (cut off shirt, cowboy hat, boots, etc). They were talking a bit loud and it sounded exciting so I walked by casually to listen. Apparently guy #1 had his truck in the shop...a Toyota as it was revealed. The other guy asked what shop he took it to, and the guy #1 said Precision Tune auto.
To which guy #2 said you have to be careful as they tend to buy cheaper parts and put them to keep your total repair cost low! (sounds good I suppose).
To which guy #1 replys with a classic: "Oh they better not put no jap parts on my truck!"
I wasn't sure whether to be shocked or laugh at the ignorance of this guy 
(for those of you who didn't laugh at first...Toyotas are japanese...)
< Message edited by WolfPack -- 3/29/2008 8:45:19 PM >
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2000 Blazer 4d LS 4x4 - 265/70/15 General Grabber AT2s - Hunter Brush Guard - Surco Roof Rack with IPF 868s - 1.5'' Shackle + Tbar - 2'' BL
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/30/2008 12:24:32 AM
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Jharper
Posts: 1264
Joined: 11/9/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline
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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. " I think its about time we started cussing."
The 4 yr old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell. and you say something with ass.".....
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks
the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast he replies,
"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
Whack!!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, hops up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear
with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 yr old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man???????"
"I don't know, " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
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Jeremy
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/30/2008 12:31:04 AM
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curse
Posts: 171
Joined: 3/27/2008
Status: offline
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wolfpack, thats a everyday thing apparently down here in Louisiana :p sad but true.
Only guys who buy decent vehicles down here are either union or support it
Joke:
What did the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
He laid awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/31/2008 3:36:07 PM
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Thor_449
Posts: 225
Joined: 3/24/2008
From: Plymouth, Indiana
Status: offline
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a texan and an indiana man went to college together. after college they went their sepperate ways. well one day the texan called the indiana man and said he wanted to come up for a visit. so couple days later the indiana man picked up the texan at the airport and dicided he should show the texan some good indiana country before going to his house. so the texan all hiped up about old partys and memories of college agreed to take the scenic route to the indiana mans house. well wile driving the texan saw a rabbit cross the road and he asks the indiana man "whats that?" the indiana man replies "oh that, thats just a rabbit." "oh" remarks the texan "we grow those bigger in texas" the indiana man shrugged it off and kept driving and a little down the road a coon crosses the road " whats that" asks the texan "that, thats just a coon", "oh" says the texan we grow those a little bigger in texas. well the indiana man is getting a little iritated be the texan when the texan yells "whats that!" indiana man looks over and says "thats just a cow", "oh" says the texan " we grow those much much bigger in texas" now the indiana man is fuming when a turtle crosses the road. the texan looks at the indiana man and asks "whats that?" the indiana man looks at the texan smiling and says "man, thats an indiana tick!"
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4.3L of 94 4x4 S10 blazer
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 3/31/2008 7:40:26 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3091
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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Got this one in a e-mail. Pretty funny....
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"
_____________________________
"Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience." -Rabbit0102030
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 4/3/2008 8:19:45 AM
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blazinrebel
Posts: 91
Joined: 3/26/2008
Status: offline
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this is one my dad told me:
this man in his mid-forties was trying to make himself feel young again so he decides to go out and buy a corvette. as he is driving home he feels the need to go fast so he takes off, but of course a cop is just waiting around the corner. the thought of running from the cop crosses his mind but he relizes that would be dumb. he pulls over and the cop comes up to the window, takes all his info then gos back to the car. the cop comes back and says since im in a good mood ill let you go if you can give me an excuse i have heard. the man thinks about it a minute then says: well you see my wife just left me, the cop intrupts and says i heard that before. the man replies no she left me for a cop and i thought you were trying to bring her back.
_____________________________
'93 Chevy Blazer (Full-Size) two-door
350 small block
4x4
JL Audio Sub and Amp
Custom Camo Interior
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 4/8/2008 3:47:12 PM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3091
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies,
'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?
_____________________________
"Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience." -Rabbit0102030
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 4/9/2008 11:32:13 PM
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alangri
Posts: 22
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline
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Two hunters were walking in the wood when one grabs his chest and falls to the ground. The other hunter grabs his cell phone and quickly dials 911. When the operator answers he yells into the phone," I'm in the middle of the woods with my buddy and he just grabbed his chest and fell over dead!" The operator replies in a calm voice, "Sir, I need you to calm down. First let's make sure your friend is really dead..." The operator then hears a gun shot and the guy on the phone says, "Okay, now what?"
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 4/10/2008 12:11:58 AM
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alangri
Posts: 22
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline
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A man in his 50's goes to his doctor for a check up. After the exam the doctor tells him," You're in good health, for a man your age."
The man responded, "....for a man my age? What does that mean exactly? How much longer do I have?"
Doc say's, "Well do you drink?"
No.
Do you smoke?
No.
Do any outdoor activaties in direct sunlight, such as golf, or fishing?
No.
Do you chase wild women or visit protitutes?
No.
Well, why does it matter to you how much more time you have?
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 4/10/2008 3:13:35 PM
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Thor_449
Posts: 225
Joined: 3/24/2008
From: Plymouth, Indiana
Status: offline
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Sister merry logic and sister merry mathmatics were walking home from a late night service, when sister mathmatics turned to sister logic and said "Sister logic there is a man who has been following us for the past 3 min he is traveling at a slightly faster speed and will catch up to us in 11 min" sister logic responds "well a man following 2 women at this time of night logicly has evil intentions on his mind. So we must do the most logicle thing, we must speed up" so they continue for a while at a fast walk when sister mathmatics states "Sister logic he has increased his speed and once agian is traveling slightly faster then us. He will catch us in aprox 3 min." Sister logic looks at sister mathmatics and says "The most logicle thing now is to split up. We will take seperate routes and go back to the church" so they split up and sister mathmatics arrives at the church, but there is no sister logic. 10min go by then 20 then 45 then 1 hour and a half and just as sister mathmatics was about to call the priset an out of breath sister logic tumbles threw the church doors. Sister mathmatics greatly concerned quickly gives aid to sister logic and commands her to tell what happend. So sister logic retells the story "Well first after we split up. The man did the only logicle thing. He followed one of us. Which unfortunately was me." sister mathmatics eyes are wide open and urges sister lopgic to keep going. "well after finding him on my trail I once agian did the only logicle thing. I sped up some more." sister mathmatics eyes are getting bigger " well after finding I couldn't evade him. I did the only logicle thing. I slowed down till he was caught up to me." " what did he do next?" sister mathmatics asks. " well he did the only logicle thing. He droped his pants." " what did you do next?!" asks sister mathmatics "Well I did the most logicle thing. I lifted up my dress." "What happened next!? please tell me" asks sister mathmatics who has dish plates for eyes. Sister logic responds " Well logically a man with his pants down can't run as fast as a nun with her dress up!"
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4.3L of 94 4x4 S10 blazer
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 4/10/2008 7:17:05 PM
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alangri
Posts: 22
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline
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Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that freakin train!'
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 4/10/2008 7:26:23 PM
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alangri
Posts: 22
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline
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You may find this helpful around the house/garage....
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 4/10/2008 8:06:10 PM
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alangri
Posts: 22
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline
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Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injector chamber.
Walter
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 4/11/2008 4:26:19 AM
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m00nwater
Posts: 3269
Joined: 3/10/2005
From: Redbridge, but I now live in the 'shwa
Status: offline
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A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and sits down on a stool at the bar. The man beside leans over and asks,' Where'd you get that pig?"
The woman responds, "It's not a pig, it's a duck!"
The man looks at her and says,"I was talking to the duck!"
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:::::::::::::::::::::::::: little girl in a big truck:::::::::::::::::::::::::::
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 4/16/2008 10:54:01 AM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3091
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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lmao...
I got this one in an e-mail....
Question
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around
the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,
raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock 40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
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Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healt hier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click . . .
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist.'
_____________________________
"Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience." -Rabbit0102030
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RE: got a good joke to share---post it here! - 4/18/2008 11:50:41 AM
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EuroGoldLS
Posts: 3091
Joined: 2/9/2007
From: Princeton, NC, USA
Status: offline
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Well it looks like someone finally photographed the pot at the end of the rainbow.... but its not exactly a pot of GOLD!
Thumbnail Image
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_____________________________
"Never argue with idiots. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience." -Rabbit0102030
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